No More Cakes and Ale
by vifetoile89
Summary: Chell is surprised to learn that GLaDOS is equipped with the Complete Works of William Shakespeare, in addition to deadly neurotoxin. Nothing like some classic literature to help your test subject relax.


Disclaimer: Not only do I not own anything of Portal, including GLaDOS (here referred to simply as "The AI," but I own nothing of Shakespeare. Fortunately, he, at least, is in the public domain, so I don't have to feel bad about using his quotes. For the record, I quote generously from _Twelfth Night_ and _A Midsummer Night's Dream_.

No More Cakes and Ale

By Vifetoile

The AI's voice came crackling in on the headset. "[Subject Name Here], you are not advancing as you should be. Is there a problem?"

Chell spoke with a cough, then cleared her throat to respond, "I'm tired. I'm sure I've been in here more than an day."

"How do you know that?" The voice was rather sharp. "How do you know how long its been? The Aperture Science Superbutton has been known to warp the sense of t…" Crackle, static, static, "Exposure to the Aperture Science Superbutton is not part of this test. You are making excellent time. You are an excellent test subject."

"But I'm sleepy, I'm tired," Chell looked up to the nearest security camera imploringly. "Can I take a nap?"

"Nap," the voice repeated tonelessly. "Brief period of unconsciousness unaccompanied by vivid hallucinations or dreaming. Siesta. Snooze. Shut-eye. Catnap."

"All those sound nice." Chell added, "And I completed this test chamber. Can't I just curl up in this hall?"

Thoughtfully, the voice mused, "You have been making excellent time. You were kept in suspended animation, however, for a very, very long time. Are you sure you are tired?"

"Yes," Chell nodded.

"It is physically impossible for you to be tired. You were asleep for a very, very long time. You would have had to run and jump" crackle, "kilometers to be tired now. Besides, we have experiments to run. Science waits for no one."

"I'll do the next experiments better if I can nap now. Please?"

A pause.

"Very well. The test subject is always right, that is the Enrichment Center's motto." In sotto voice, "except when they're wrong." Higher, brighter, "The hypothalamus best adjusts to naps of forty-five minutes. I will grant you forty-five minutes to fall unconscious. After which I will awaken you. Go ahead. Curl up."

Chell found a corner and curled up, compliant with the AI's wishes. Her muscles couldn't relax, though, remembering the feel of lying on something soft, of warmth in the cloth by her feet, the true, soft darkness that came through the window when the lights were off. Her back remembered mattresses, her hands remembered blankets, and her eyes remembered nighttime, but her conscious mind couldn't remember a specific mattress covered in any certain blanket or even when that nighttime may have been.

She sighed.

"Would [Subject Name Here] enjoy a bed time story?" came the AI's voice, not a bit softer than before. "Or perhaps you should abandon this entire nap idea. We have science to do."

"A bed time story? You tell stories?"

"The Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System is designed with all of the subject's needs in mind. _All_ of them, [Subject Name Here.] I am hurt that you doubt me."

"So… what nursery rhymes do you know?"

Pause.

"Nursery… rhymes?"

"Yeah. 'Mary had a little lamb,' and things like that."

"How do you know such a puerile piece of poetry?" Chell shrugged, upset that she could not answer. "I am equipped to serve the needs of your age group, the typical age group of an Aperture Science Test Subject."

"And what age group is that?"

Garble, static.

"Okay," Chell called over the static, "What stories do you know?"

"The complete works of" crack, hiss, "—eare. Including _[Unrecognized Word Here] and [Unrecognized Word Here]_, and _King [Unrecognized Word Here]_, with of course _[Unrecognized Word Here]_ foremost in my memory. I also have _XII Night_, and _Summer Solstice Evening's Hallucination_, and of course _The Merchant of [Subject Hometown Here]_ and…"

"What's _XII Night_?"

"_XII Night_, act two, scene three:" The AI's voice remained light and female, but became perhaps a smidgen more expressive: "'Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there will be no more cakes and ale?'"

"Hmm. Is it a love story?"

"Love. Love. Searching text for 'love…'"

Well, here was a bedtime story. Chell lay on one side, the Portal Gun kept safely on top, listening to the AI's stream-of-consciousness sounding string of quotes:

"If music be the food of love, play on… oh, spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou… all this to season a brother's dead love…" the quotes started to run by faster, until the only word Chell could pick out consistently was "love." Suddenly, after resuming normal pace to say, "I pity you. That's a degree to love," the words stopped and there was silence. The AI said, "you might like this scene. It's between two women."

A pause. "Rather like us."

The AI began the scene, but not with her usually flat voice, with a lower and much, much more expressive voice, which for some reason sent a chill down Chell's spine.

"Why then, methinks tis time to smile again. Oh world, how apt the poor are to be proud! If one should be a prey, how much the better to fall before the lion than the wolf!"

With pointed emphasis, "The clock upbraids me with the waste of time. Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you. And yet when wit and youth have come to harvest…"

Chell shifted uncomfortably. The AI resumed her normal voice:

"Skipping ahead thirteen lines…"

The sensual voice resumed. Chell reflected that the words themselves were emphasized, rather than their place in the sentence, but it chilled her nonetheless:

"Oh, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful in the contempt and anger of his lip. A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon than love that would seem hid, love's night is noon. [Unrecognized Word Here], by the roses of the spring, by maidhood, honor, truth and everything, I love thee so that maugre all thy pride, nor wit nor reason can my passion hide."

Chell found herself tapping her finger on the Portal Gun in time to the undeniable rhythm of the words, and forced herself to stop.

"Do not extort thy reason from this clause, for that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause, but rather, reason thus, with reason fetter:" The AI's voice went low and soft, "love sought is good, but given unsought is better."

The AI resumed her normal, flat voice, which caused Chell to relax at once – she hadn't realized how tense she was. The words became almost funny in their flat delivery.

"By innocence I swear, and by my youth, I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth, and that no woman has, nor never none shall mistress be of it save I alone. And so adieu good madam, never more will I my master's tears to you deplore."

The sultry voice, in a whisper:

"Yet come again, for thou perhaps may'st move this heart, which now abhors, to like his love."

Chell frowned. "I'm trying to sleep…" she almost moaned. The AI promptly returned, "Sleep. Searching total text for Sleep. Prominent entry for Sleep: _A Summer Solstice Night's Hallucination_. Act four. Scene one."

Again, the almost seductive, deeper voice:

"Sleep, thou, and I will wind thee in my arms. Fairies, be gone and be all ways away. So doth the woodbine the sweet honeysuckle gently entwist, the female ivy so enrings the barky fingers of the elm. Oh, how I love thee. How I dote on thee."

Chell stood up. "Forget about the nap. I just needed to lie down for a minute."

A pause. Then the AI's voice came back on, just as flat and meaningless as before. "Very, very good. The best test subject realizes the urgency of the test. We have science to do, after all. On to the next test chamber."

Chell passed through the Material Emancipation Grid, without looking at the security camera.

"We are sorry to report that the next test chamber is unavailable. It has been replaced by a live-fire testing course for military androids…"


End file.
